I would like to say that I am going to always be here, but after spending a wonderful weekend away (helping a friend's child celebrate her eighth birthday), I came home to a bill from my phone/cable/internet provider saying that even though $175 had been paid on the bill less than ten days ago, the coming month's bill had been added to the one month I was still behind and that now I was in danger of losing my internet again and my cable and phone as well within a couple of weeks.  Grr.  It makes me feel like Sage's generous help was in vain.

I am doing as much as I possibly can to find employment (had two interviews last week and hopefully should hear from one or both this week).  I troll the employment site several times daily, hoping that they put up a job that I can conceivably do, so that I can jump on it when it appears but I cannot make them put up a job I am qualified for.  I use the internet to access the job employment site because it is physically easier for me to find and apply for jobs that way as opposed to walking all over town (many job sites as well as the employment site are 6+ miles from my home).  It seems that unless I can drive 30+ miles one way to work, have a nursing degree, can drive a long haul truck, or work in a pork processing plant, there just are not many jobs in this area.  The two I interviewed for last week were for Comfort Keepers (a companion/light chores position for elderly or handicapped clients) and a receptionist job at a local chiropractor's office.  Both are only part time and it is my hope that both will want me.  I could work both at the same time without a problem.  It is not that I don't have a good education ... I have an executive secretarial certificate, three years of college (had to drop out just 7 weeks shy of getting my LPN due to son's autism) and am a very hard worker.  It seems that the fact that I walk with a cane, have a car that doesn't want to go out of second gear and that I cannot stand for 8 hours at a time means that I am not worth hiring.

I am SO frustrated.  The injury happened three years ago and I have been seeking full-time ongoing employment since then. I had been working full-time prior to the injury.  I have only been able to secure temp jobs since then and even those have been few and far between due to the economics of my particular area of the country.

I want so badly to be financially independent.  I am not comfortable nor happy being dependent on someone else.  Right now my son and I are trying to live on $587 a month.  It just isn't possible when our house payment is $475.  We are fortunate enough to get food stamps (or we wouldn't be eating), but the remaining $112 is not enough to pay the utilities/buy gas for the car/buy non-food items.  This month it goes to pay our water bill.  Our light/heat bill will come due soon as well ... that'll be another $150. I feel guilty even having cable but due to not having an outside antenna we don't even get a blurry image inside the house without it.  With the hazardous storm season beginning, I am leary of not having televion access. Plus, the bills are all bundled together to lessen the cost overall. 

I am hoping that I qualified for the incentive that the government is sending out soon, but am not sure that I made enough money last year to even qualify. (I'm finding it hard to not feel anger that my ex - who received the last two rebates while I got nothing -  will get $1200 this time and it is once again possible that I may receive nothing).  I want to be able to tell the utilities that if they can just hold off a couple of weeks that I will have the moneys to pay them off in full (if I DO get the incentive, it should be either $600 or $900).

Enough bitching and complaining out of me ... I'm off to investigate some online work at home URLS that my daughter told me about - evidently they were in a recent issue of Woman's World magazine,  have been checked out and are not scams.  Maybe there is something there that I can do.  There has to be something ... somewhere.  I am still employable ... I am still a good worker ... I am still valuable.  I am..... I am ...