I meant to post this yesterday, but by the time we got back from trick or treating with the small ones, I was down for the count. Lesson for self ... do not walk all over a small town trick or treating. By the time I got back, I could hardly move. That being as it is ....
I hope everyone had a wonderful Samhain. Our ritual was last Saturday ... mask making, learning about how we see ourselves and how others see us and how neither is the whole story. Very dramatic and insightful. The little ones in our group loved it as much as the adults did.
Last night my thoughts were not only on the youngest of us, but also on those that had gone ahead, our elders, our ancestors. I am the keeper of the genealogy in our family and I've been working on a web page that all our family can access. My thoughts last night were of all the wisdom that has been passed down to this generation and how I can pass that information on. Simple things ... profound things .... sometimes one and the same.
I was cleaning out my bedroom closet today and came across some records that I hadn't seen in a very long time. (yes, you read that right ... LP's, not CD's) Simon and Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence, some early Heart, early Fleetwood Mac, Buckingham Nicks, Gary Wright of "Dreamweaver" fame and most importantly, Buffy Sainte Marie's Many a Mile.
I discovered Buffy when I was but a teenager. Her exquisite voice, her powerful lyrics spoke to my soul. She spoke to the Cherokee blood that flows through my veins. She helped to make me who I am today.
I decided to go online and check out what she had been up to. I found this video on U-tube and watched it. I sat here with tears just flooding down my face. Perhaps its because I have an 18 year old son that just had to register with Selective Service, perhaps it's because I oppose the war continuing, perhaps it's because this song is as relevant today as it was when it was first written. Have we learned so little?
Here is the URL to the video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXUOU94f28M&mode=related&search= (I haven't learned how to embed videos into the page yet). Go give it a watch. I promise you that you will not go away unaffected.
An apt tune for a emotionally storm filled week. I wish I could say that the storm is not still building ... but judging from what happened tonight, I'm far from seeing the end to it.
My son turned 18 in early September. Being autistic, it hasn't brought many changes to daily life other than him having to register with Selective Service. I mean, he still lives at home and life continues much as it has since his father and I split 8 years ago.
What has changed is that I lost my Medicaid (for some reason it was tied to having an eligible child). Being out of work and diabetic, this is not a good thing. It also meant that our case worker changed from one who dealt with both Medicaid and Food Stamps to one that deals with only food stamps.
I have been looking for work for nearly five months, have had many interviews, but always seem to be passed over in lieu of someone else. Even when I am well qualified for the position, it goes to someone else. Jobs in the town I live in have been limited, partially due to the economy and partially due to the fact that I have to use a cane to walk and cannot stand for extended periods of time. I'm a secretary by trade, so that shouldn't mean that I can't find a job ... but it seems to have an impact on my qualifications that I was unaware of. Twice, I've been nearly offered a job over the phone, just to have them tell me that they don't have anything I can do once they realized that I can't stand for hours. Today I got an email from our local work force center with a job that would be perfect if it weren't 45 miles away. My car's in the process of dropping its transmission and I can't get it out of 2nd gear. Highway travel is out of the question. I've already checked into how much it cost to get it fixed ... $1200. Car isn't even worth that much. I have to find a job within the town I live in.
Recently we were re-certified for food stamps. Tonight, with little to no food in the house, I called in to see what the amount was before heading out to the grocery store. To my amazement, the balance was $0. I called the 24 hour number, spoke with a representative who checked my account and said that there wasn't even any amount pending. Her advice, call my worker.
Of course this is a holiday weekend, the office won't be open until Tuesday. Once the problem gets figured out, we may have to wait up to ten days to get our stamps. I'm frustrated and I'm scared. I hate not being able to provide for my son. He is dependent on me to provide for him.
We are also facing my son's re-certification for SSI as an adult. With the autism (high functioning), there seems to be some question whether or not he will qualify as an adult. (as a child he was the first child I knew to have never been denied and been required to appeal) Even though everyone who knows him agree that it is unlikely that he will ever be able to hold down a job (NO frustration tolerance and melts down into hysterics when over stressed), who knows what the Social Security Administration will decide.
It seems as if all the supports that we have depended upon for the past couple of years are being yanked out from under us. It's a terrifying situation.
So I will continue to play REO Speedwagon, try to remain positive and continue to ride the storm out.
I want to thank everyone who sent energy and healing thoughts for my dad. When so much positive energy flows, only good things can happen.
Dad will be released from the hospital tomorrow. Of his quadruple bypass he had about six years ago, all of the vessels have occluded again. They put two stents in one of them (two really bad spots), two are inoperable, and the other is 75% occluded and he will have to go back in and put a stent in it next month.
For now he will go through physical therapy to help him get stronger. It was fortunate that he was already in the hospital (ER) for suspected kidney stones, or we would have lost him. I am so glad that sometimes my mom is a worrywort.
Again, thank you dear friends. I truly believe that your thoughts and energy made all the difference.
My apologies to anyone close to me. I am afraid that no matter how hard I have tried to shield my feelings, that they are leaking out and are giving those who care about me head-aches from hades.
I have tried not to bring my baggage to this blog. I named it “Sanctuary” for a reason. I wanted it to be a safe and healing space for those who chose to visit it, a bright spot in what may have been a horrible day for someone, a respite from what the world may have chosen to burden someone with. A place where I could share relaxation techniques and help restore someone’s balance.
I wanted to be a positive force for healing. But one can’t be a healer if they are a basket case themselves. And for that I am so very sorry.
This is my horoscope for today.
“SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Right now you have what it takes to be a liberator. You can free people who are enslaved to their fears. You could also be a bridge-builder who provides wandering souls with the means to escape from of the middle of nowhere. If you're feeling especially heroic, you might even be able to serve as both a liberator and bridge-builder. To do so would almost certainly require you to be more of a leader than you've ever been before. But if I'm reading the astrological omens correctly, you have more than enough cosmic juju at your disposal to do just that.”
How does one go about liberating someone who is enslaved to their fears when you yourself are enslaved to your fears? I honestly don’t know.
I am so very overwhelmed and depressed right now that I don’t know which way to turn. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems, but keeping them inside is killing me. My family is dealing with my step-dads heart attack last week and can’t handle any more stress, my friends are all dealing with crises of one sort or another and don’t need for me to be whining about what is going on with me.
I can’t stop the tears, I can’t stop the terror of what is facing me and my son. My son, who if he weren’t autistic, would be able to help me figure out what to do, just doesn’t care. As long as he has his Game-Cube (his “used” birthday present last week) and electrical power, he could care less about anything else. He “doesn’t do” emotions. They bother and frustrate him, so I can’t even show emotion when I am around him. I have to put a mask on of total neutrality, so that he can handle being around me.
We are facing total loss of income. I have been out of work for months, due to a ruptured disk in my back. I walk with a cane and am never without pain. I cannot stand for more than about an hour at a time (and there are days that is stretching it) so the jobs like Wal-Mart or fast food are not an option. I continue to look for clerical jobs (my education and experience), I continue to take temp jobs when they are available - am signed up for 4 different temp agencies, I continue to go on interviews. There just are not jobs available, or if there are, they don’t want me. For the past few days the only jobs on our local jobs available site have been ....
OTR Truck Driver Commercial Electrician Electrician Laborer Construction Laborers General Labor Uniform Clerk - 30 miles away - my car is on the verge of dropping its transmission - will not come out of 2nd gear - so a drive this far is not feasible) Truck Driver Typist - Advanced (required to be bilingual- which I am not) Pharmacist Mig Welder Production Worker Senior Sales Representative - 30 miles away Tooling Maintenance Tech Hydraulic electrical maintenance tech OTR Driver Landscaping Gardener General Cleaner - 15 hours a week cleaning major department store Steakhouse waitress - at casino 30 miles away Boiler Operator Porter - at casino 30 miles away Count/Drop team - at casino 30 miles away Auditor - at casino 30 miles away Construction worker Prep cook - at casino 30 miles away
and on and on... either they are where I can’t get to daily, or they are beyond my scope of abilities. I have applied for everything even remotely within my ability and although I have had several interviews, nothing has ultimately come of it. I’ve worked a grand total of three days in September.
My son turned 18 last week, so child support is done. Even though they’d said that it would continue for the rest of the month, when I checked the bank account this morning, the amount there was less than 1/2 of what it should have been. I called and was told that he had met his entire obligation for the month, this was what was left in the obligation and the rest had been returned to him.
I am literally terrified. I have always, somehow, been able to take care of my children, provide for their needs, keep them safe. Now ... I just don’t know. Even my most diligent efforts have not been enough. I can pay the house payment, but not the heat/electricity nor the phone. I can pay parts of them, but with no guarantee when I will be able to pay the rest. I sincerely do not know what to do next. I’ve done all I physically and emotionally can.
I don’t want anyone to feel as if I am soliciting sympathy, or worse. I just cannot stand feeling all alone anymore. I can’t stand feeling as if I fail, my son is going to go down with me. He doesn’t deserve that.
So please, forgive me for venting. I will do my best to make sure that the next post is uplifting and helpful.
