Many thanks to those who put up with my self indulgent whining the other day.  I was sick (bronchitis), over-tired, dealing with issues with my son and just fresh out of hope.

After a couple of days of rest (forced, couldn't muster enough energy to clean the house or cook), good weather (63 degrees, sunny and breezy) and the support of my friends ... I am back to normal. 

The reason for the Cautious Optimism title is that I got a call today from the Comfort Keepers organization.  I passed my background check and they want me to come in for orientation on Friday.  I'd like to say for sure that I have the job ... but I will hold off on that until after orientation.  I've had other jobs fall apart between interview and first day.  It's part time, but it's work!!!!!!!  I am thrilled to be possibly employed again.  As I said in my previous post, I want to financially independent.  It's a very high priority for me.

I hope that everyone else is enjoying the beautiful spring weather!  I think I'm going to go out and check on my tulips.  See ya all later!

Blessings,

I would like to say that I am going to always be here, but after spending a wonderful weekend away (helping a friend's child celebrate her eighth birthday), I came home to a bill from my phone/cable/internet provider saying that even though $175 had been paid on the bill less than ten days ago, the coming month's bill had been added to the one month I was still behind and that now I was in danger of losing my internet again and my cable and phone as well within a couple of weeks.  Grr.  It makes me feel like Sage's generous help was in vain.

I am doing as much as I possibly can to find employment (had two interviews last week and hopefully should hear from one or both this week).  I troll the employment site several times daily, hoping that they put up a job that I can conceivably do, so that I can jump on it when it appears but I cannot make them put up a job I am qualified for.  I use the internet to access the job employment site because it is physically easier for me to find and apply for jobs that way as opposed to walking all over town (many job sites as well as the employment site are 6+ miles from my home).  It seems that unless I can drive 30+ miles one way to work, have a nursing degree, can drive a long haul truck, or work in a pork processing plant, there just are not many jobs in this area.  The two I interviewed for last week were for Comfort Keepers (a companion/light chores position for elderly or handicapped clients) and a receptionist job at a local chiropractor's office.  Both are only part time and it is my hope that both will want me.  I could work both at the same time without a problem.  It is not that I don't have a good education ... I have an executive secretarial certificate, three years of college (had to drop out just 7 weeks shy of getting my LPN due to son's autism) and am a very hard worker.  It seems that the fact that I walk with a cane, have a car that doesn't want to go out of second gear and that I cannot stand for 8 hours at a time means that I am not worth hiring.

I am SO frustrated.  The injury happened three years ago and I have been seeking full-time ongoing employment since then. I had been working full-time prior to the injury.  I have only been able to secure temp jobs since then and even those have been few and far between due to the economics of my particular area of the country.

I want so badly to be financially independent.  I am not comfortable nor happy being dependent on someone else.  Right now my son and I are trying to live on $587 a month.  It just isn't possible when our house payment is $475.  We are fortunate enough to get food stamps (or we wouldn't be eating), but the remaining $112 is not enough to pay the utilities/buy gas for the car/buy non-food items.  This month it goes to pay our water bill.  Our light/heat bill will come due soon as well ... that'll be another $150. I feel guilty even having cable but due to not having an outside antenna we don't even get a blurry image inside the house without it.  With the hazardous storm season beginning, I am leary of not having televion access. Plus, the bills are all bundled together to lessen the cost overall. 

I am hoping that I qualified for the incentive that the government is sending out soon, but am not sure that I made enough money last year to even qualify. (I'm finding it hard to not feel anger that my ex - who received the last two rebates while I got nothing -  will get $1200 this time and it is once again possible that I may receive nothing).  I want to be able to tell the utilities that if they can just hold off a couple of weeks that I will have the moneys to pay them off in full (if I DO get the incentive, it should be either $600 or $900).

Enough bitching and complaining out of me ... I'm off to investigate some online work at home URLS that my daughter told me about - evidently they were in a recent issue of Woman's World magazine,  have been checked out and are not scams.  Maybe there is something there that I can do.  There has to be something ... somewhere.  I am still employable ... I am still a good worker ... I am still valuable.  I am..... I am ...

Thanks to Sage I am once again online. Her generosity never fails to amaze me. Got one great sister there ... (and don't think I don't know it.) She's phenomenal!

I spent last weekend with her and her family ... and had the time of my life. Her kids are adorable and always fun to be around. We were going to do a weekend blitz on rearranging bedrooms and such, but ended up getting side tracked by purchasing new bedframes and a new dryer (the bedframes were planned on, the dryer was not). But never fear, I will return to help get the stuff done. I also had a chance to meet her new horse, Sky. He's a beautiful colt. I forsee great things with him in the future.

Better run, thunder is rumbling all around and I need to hit the hay. I've got two interviews for jobs tomorrow and best be bright eyed and bushy tailed (where DID that expression come from anyway?) for them. I want to make a good impression on them.

Sage, thank you once again for being the most wonderful friend that you are. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

Hi all this is Sage......Gramma Storm asked me to pop on and let you know her internet is gone, for a bit. We are working on getting it back but until then if you want to keep tabs it will have to be via me or snail mail. We ask for prayers for a quick resolution to the financial situation.

Blessings All

~Sage

It's been a long, long week.  Emotions running the gamut from shock, to horror, to sadness, to grief.  The funerals are over, the goodbyes said ... but the impact of the past week will live with us always.

I thought you all might like to see the sweet little boy you were sending energy for and praying for.  This is our "Peanut".  He lives on now in the bodies of strangers.  His heart and kidneys were donated and his lungs went to research to further the science of what happens to infants lungs in smoke inhalation.  At the funeral we received "Donate Life" bracelets and green "Organ Donation" ribbon pins.  I vow to wear these daily in honor of this precious little boy.

His family is now left to rebuild their lives without him.  They are holding up well ... considering the circumstances.  His father told me this morning that he finally was able to sleep last night. Thank the goddess!   The body can only take so much without restorative sleep.

I have written up a narrative of both his funeral and his grandfathers for those who were unable to be there, either due to distance or to being unable to get time off from work.  I wanted them to feel as if they had been there. So many from our tribe wanted to be there, but couldn't be. I'm also doing two portraits of him - one with him being held by his grandfather who died trying to rescue him (for his dad's side of the family) and one of him by himself (for his mom's side of the family).  I hope in this way I will be able to bring some comfort to them.

I do know that whenever I hear There You'll be by Faith Hill, Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney or Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton, I will think of Kevin Jr. and once again see his smiling face, hear his giggles and remember how much he brought to our lives in his brief time with us.

I'd like to include, in closing, a poem written by Kevin Jr's maternal grandfather, I think it sums up how we all feel.

In a blink and a heartbeat

you were in our lives

In a blink and a heartbeat

you brought so much  joy into our lives.

In a blink and a heartbeat

I watched you transform a girl

into a beautiful woman

and a wonderful mother.

In a blink and a heartbeat

your smile and laughter lighted our world.

In a blink and a heartbeat

you touched our hearts.

In a blink and a heartbeat

is all we had with  you.

But in that blink and a heartbeat

you  have touched lives forever.

We love you always and forever.

(This was on the last page of his funeral program.)

Farewell, Kevin Jr.  We love you, now and always.